Relationship Conflicts Explored: Who Broke Who? Part 2

Some days had passed. Among the truths about my past, I told him that the worst thing a person could let me do after an argument is THINK.

See, me alone with my thoughts is a dangerous thing and I had a court stenographer like recall of an argument I had the time to process emotionally what I couldn’t in the heat of the moment.

I also told him that based on my childhood trauma, I don’t disregard the negative things that are said about me in arguments, I take them to be the truth that had always been too scared to reveal. I wanted him to come over the day of the argument but he couldn’t, all there was left for me to do was analyze every.fucking.thing he said to me and about me.

And while I was stewing in my juices he text me like everything was A-Okay…

See the “good bitch” that he was used to would have never let days nor two hours pass without responding to him so the only conclusion he could have come to was that I was done. Isn’t it ironic (word to Alanis) how sweet his artificially sweet & lo ass wanted to portray himself as under the thought that I was out…

”I love you”????? I had no words so I simply responded to him with screenshots of his words so he could see that he couldnt possible love an old cougar (I’m two years older than that fag salad of a man) nympho and the I love you was just a “gotcha bitch” to break me.

The Muslim called me garbage by day but was swimming in garbage juice by night. Holy hypocrites, Batman…he was in garbage like Oscar the ghat damn Grouch.

And in typical narcissist fashion, he gave me the accountability for his actions, offered an empty apology and before I could even accept it immediately directed his focus on what I needed to do.

They dont have the emotional capacity to feel shame. They can only deflect it and do damage control for the image that they have of themselves

And as I’m still only replying to him with his words, he‘s steady doing damage control. Oh because he’s moved passed it, I’m on problem…Oh, he only offering love and thank you‘s. To keep the imagery of a emotionally evolved man, whole time tho this all started because I opted out of arguing by watching tv instead.

How can you love me the day after you said you never did? And the cycle repeats. I confront him with his words, he deflects, generalizes and includes me in an attempt to diminsh the impact. But I told him I’m going to believe the negative shit you say because you mean it when you said it.

When he did come over he was super apologetic. He hit me with the “Cryin Lyin”. I sat on the couch and he sat on the floor this time. He told me stories "James L and John Sirat"…men who were lovers of his grandmother and how he witnessed them men talk to and treat his grandmother "any ol kinda way", and how she stayed. “This all a nigga know cuz”.

I felt for him but I also told him that he had a choice to be someone else, that he didn’t have to revert back to what he was shown especially if he witnessed the pain it caused his grandma.

I cried with him, held him and wiped his tears. Though he had caused me so much pain, in that moment, seeing him reflect on what he had witnessed mad me want to love on the little boy who could only watched the chaos he called home. I shouldered mine and carried his on the other side. He offered for us to pray, We prayed and then I got up and turned the shower on for him and fixed him a plate.

What I know now, that I didn’t know then is that he had done it again, and made it about him.

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