I want you functionally depressed without me.

     When he told me the story of his first "wife" under the principles of Islam, it was no fairytale. The Goodsister came from a troubled upbringing and was also a fatherless daughter. Unfortunately for her dreams, she met FrampCamp Goodman when he was just a gangbanging youth. His tale was that he took her through hell as he was becoming a man and didn't know what he was doing, only reflecting what he'd seen the men in his life do to women. That convenient excuse is one I would get to know all too well. Her home had absent parents, so he basically took over and became her father. In turn, she nurtured him with love in the ways he didn't get from his mother. He boasted about how he made her go to church, how he "ran shit" over there. Understandably for the Goodsister, these acts looked and felt like love, so she stayed down through all the lying, cheating, and beating.

FrampCamp GoodMan said she was a dancer and received a full scholarship to an out-of-state school. She told him about it, and he begged her not to go. The Goodsister chose love that felt concrete over a dream that may not have come to fruition. He was pleased that she chose him over college but continued being the same person who had hurt her, even after her sacrifice. The relationship was rocky, but they stayed in it because of love, history, and their baby. And right when she was almost out the door, FrampCamp Goodman got an out-of-state opportunity of his own.

He said he called her and begged her to come. Promised he'd stop breaking her heart with his actions, that they'd operate as a real family. She'd had enough of his ever-changing words, so she decided not to go.

She. Told. Him. No.

     He was pissed. So, according to him, he immediately called GoodSis #2 and asked if she wanted to go. GoodSis #2, as described by FrampCamp GoodMan was a rebound that he fucked with because she had "a fat ass, and big lips" . Because at the time, she was the "fun girl" she hadn't been through half of what GoodSis #1 had, so it was easy for her to agree. She loved him, and he was handing her the illusion that he'd chosen her over GoodSis #1. She said yes with no hesitation.

GoodSis #1 called him back within about five minutes and told him she'd changed her mind, that she wanted to go after all. He told her, "You told me no. I'm taking someone else." Devastated, GoodSis #1 moved on, in a way. 

     According to FrampCamp Goodman, they were apart for five years but maintained a co-parenting relationship. In that time she dated, even pursued her dream far enough to land a spot on a national TV competition. Then her mother passed, and that was too much to bare. He told me she had to spend time getting her mental health back in order, and that when she was in the hospital bed, she was screaming that her mom was dead and she let a bitch take her man. FrampCamp GoodMan explained that she just kept yelling his name in the hospital, so much so that the doctors requested that he be there with her.

Meanwhile, during those same five years, FrampCamp Goodman had gone ahead and married GoodSis #2. He said he only married her because "a fat ass and big lips" and also because one of the uncles in his "Sound Counsel" told him that if he got married and focused only on family and football, Allah would reward him with the NFL. Because everything he does is for validation, Allah, and football, he said "bet" and legally married GoodSis #2. This wasn't an "I'm in love with you, I want to spend my life with you" marriage — it was a sacrifice he made to "please Allah", and he gambled her heart to do it. He told me his only focus was working out and football, that she was simply there as an accessory to the dream. He was a star in the town, and she got to reap the benefits of his local celebrity. The sacrificial marriage was set to pay off. He was scheduled to get drafted in the 6th round, however he was "rewarded" with a torn MCL right before the draft. NFL sacrifice in full legal affect but Allah's end of the deal never showed up.☹️

According to him, he fell into a deep depression, and she stayed with him through it. If my memory of his story serves me right, her grandmother died around that time and he decided to "look out" for her get her pregnant with their son. He was now a father of two. The marriage that only existed for Allah to gift him the NFL had gone stagnant. He became increasingly disgusted by her hygiene, allegedly. He told me he was sensitive to scents, that the scent of unbalanced PH was common in the household and that there'd be gnats on her washcloth. He had accompanied her to the doctor and asked questions about it. He wasn't pleased with the reality he'd built for himself, but he was living in it. Through his unhappiness, he claimed he never cheated though.

When GoodSis #1 needed him to get her back on track...after all, aside from the mom she lost and the son she bore, FrampCamp GoodMan was the only man she had ever loved, GoodSis #2 begged him not to go see her, afraid she'd lose him to her. He said she told him, "I'll let you have as many women as you want, as long as you don't go back to her." He didn't like being propositioned because he said it felt like she was trying to control him. As if a deal in his favor was somehow an attack. He went to check on GoodSis #1 and make sure she was well enough to keep taking care of his son. Apparently, seeing how much she needed him, and him being the remedy for her, reignited something he swore had died. According to him, during the separation he was so uninterested in her that he was offering to set her up with "GoodMen" he knew... that's how done he was. But the second she looked weak, she instantly looked appealing again, and in that he felt purposeful, like he was her hero once more.

Funny how the hero only shows up once she's already on the ground.

Over time they had some conversations and decided to give the relationship another shot, except now there was a whole other family to reconcile.

     His solution was polygamy. He sat GoodSis #1 and GoodSis #2 down and explained that he wanted to practice polygamy so he could be a present and active father to both his children. The women weren't for it; they figured it was really about sex. So to reassure them it had nothing to do with that, he claims he didn't have sex with either woman for a year. He split his week between both houses. But eventually he started spending more time at GoodSis #1's place — they'd been apart for years, were catching up, getting to know each other again, and after all, she was his first love. GoodSis #2 felt the difference and was vocal about it. So FrampCamp GoodMan decided it was time to come clean. He sat GoodSis #2 down and told her he didn't love her, never had — that she was a rebound and he never meant for it to go that far. GoodSis #2 was crushed, and that was the end of the polygamy arrangement he'd only entered "for the sake of fatherhood," and the beginning of the hell he'd have to navigate to keep parenting his other son.

     But he wasn't satisfied. He'd gotten used to having two women, and with GoodSis #2 out of the way — still legally married to him, mind you — he wanted to keep the option open for more. He told GoodSis #1 that things were over with GoodSis #2, but he wasn't done with polygamy. If she wanted to be with him, she had to accept that he'd be with other women, because it was his Islamic right as a man. If she didn't agree, the relationship was over and they'd just co-parent. He said she was upset but could deal with it since the kids were the point — what she didn't like was this new chapter. So he reminded her that she could leave, but all men cheat anyway, so she'd just end up cheated on regardless. Convenient how his rights always come with a threat attached.

     It registered to her as sound logic. Given everything she'd been through in their time apart, and the fact that she already had his son, she decided to stay.

He called the imam, stated their conditions — hers being that, though he could legally have four wives, she'd prefer he stop at three, and that he not have kids with all of them since his time was already stretched thin. He agreed. And they've lived blissfully in functional depression ever since.

     They journeyed on. Somewhere in that journey he met a woman he wanted to take on. He had GoodSis #1 sit down with the next potential "GoodSis #3." He said they sat at a table and talked for two hours over tea, that he couldn't believe it was actually happening, that he felt like the man. He dealt with the potential for a bit but ultimately let her go because of her mouth — meaning, I'd guess, that she told him the truth about himself and he couldn't take it. GoodSis #1 took the failed pairing as an ego boost, further proof to her that only she could satisfy him, and figured he'd gotten it out of his system. He told me that one night, watching TV, she asked him, "Did you know we would end up back together?" and he said, "If your mom hadn't died, I wouldn't be here — I just promised her I'd look out for you." Her response, allegedly: "Whatever, I would have found my way back home."

They journeyed on some more. She came back into the relationship wanting more kids, but he already had two and didn't want more. He was focused on training his son, training himself, and recruiting wives in his spare time. There were no dates, no romance — she was an accessory to a life that made no real time for her, but she endured. After a while of watching her loneliness, he said "Allah changed his heart." What that meant, in his words, was something closer to: damn, she's really sticking by me through this polygamy shit, I should "look out" and give her a baby. So he got her pregnant. She had earned a daughter.

     GoodSis #1, excited, brand new baby girl, no other women in the picture — surely FrampCamp GoodMan would change his ways now that he'd laid eyes on his baby girl. Surely this would fix the polygamy, keep his eyes on her and only her. Wrong. By then I had already entered and exited the picture once, and there was always someone on the backburner — most notably another hairstylist (nigga's got a type, doesn't he) he'd been dealing with on and off for seven years. She, too, had no father, and two kids of her own, one with a deceased dad. So in the interim of GoodSis #1's pregnancy, he'd pull up to her and get his nafs taken care of in a "halal" way. Nothing was going to keep him from his desires — he had to be like his imam, his father, his uncles, because he's as SUBMISSIVE to men as he desires his women to be.

      GoodSis #1 needed that baby to break the monotony of simply being "there." That relationship had already cost her: her education, her dance dreams, her friends, her social life — FrampCamp GoodMan even restricted which extended family she could visit. And with her eldest closing in on college, soon to leave the nest, what exactly was going to keep FrampCamp GoodMan coming home to her? especially after he'd already told her he wouldn't have chosen her at all if not for a promise made to a her mom? Not wanting her daughter to grow up alone, she wanted another baby. So he "looked out" again.

As horrible as all the shit he had done to those women had sound, he stated that he was remorseful and that it happened it he was younger. FrampCamp GoodMan also said that he had learned a lot from lying to women and so ever since "Allah, changed his heart" he was moving forward with the truth.

Seeing as though I too had made plenty of mistakes, I understood that completely. You make a lot of mistakes as you are learning who you are, so I couldn't fault him and I respected his honesty just as he did mine. I didnt want anyone judging me from the things I went through to learn my life's lessons, so I accepted him with love and reverie. I believed in the power of redemption, and as long as things were honest, I was on board.

     By the time I came back into the picture, GoodSis #1 was five months pregnant. He told me this during our truth ceremony. I was working off the information he gave me — that the women had agreed to this arrangement going in, that it was a stated condition of the Nikah — so I didn't see it as my place to question it. He told her about me, and she said, "Haven't we been through this before?" — I assume as a reminder that his last attempt at this had already failed. He acknowledged it but told her I was different, that he'd never felt this kind of chemistry anywhere else. He told her he wanted us to meet, "allegedly," but she said she wasn't ready to meet anyone — she just wanted to get through the rest of her pregnancy and focus on her daughter. Whatever he had going on outside the house was his business, she said. He told me he agreed with her but wanted her to hear it from him first, in case someone saw us out together. He said he respected her position. So did I. 

     When he relayed all this to me, I told him that didn't sound like a woman who was actually okay with any of it — no matter how many times an arrangement like this had failed before, it shouldn't matter to her, since she already knew this was the deal. He said, "She's not a jealous person," and told me the two-hour tea story for the millionth time. I held onto that belief anyway.

He told me the baby girl, one at the time,  was having speech delays. Randomly, one day, I came across a no-screen language-learning toy and bought it for her without thinking twice. He came over, I gave it to him, he took it home. She was pissed. I don't want her buying anything for my baby. He didn't understand why she was upset and went off on her about how Allah wouldn't be pleased with her rejecting barakah for her own child, especially barakah coming from a good sister with pure intentions. He defended me to her. She was hot. He reminded her that she was about to need help with two kids under two, that he himself was about to get busier with summer coming, and that she should be grateful Allah was sending her relief.

He told me everything. Then he told me that next time, I should run any gifts for his kids by him first.

As her due date got closer, I offered to cook for them. He was already eating at my place constantly, loved my food, and she had no family and no help — we were sharing a man, and I had all the time in the world. He thanked me for the thought but said that, given how she'd reacted to the toy, he didn't think it was a good idea.

Those reactions told me everything. I was a threat to her, and the story he kept telling himself, that she wasn't the jealous type,  only held up because she could tell, somewhere underneath it, that he was feeling me more than he'd felt anyone else on this whole journey. Hearing him talk to her about me while she sat there nursing one child and carrying another told her something he never had to say out loud: that she wasn't enough to stop him from wandering, and neither were the children she was risking her body, her life, to bring into the world. She went along with the only man she'd ever loved because she loved him, not because any part of her was actually at peace with it.

On the day her son was born, he was talking to her about me, hours before she was due for surgery. He told me she asked her questions and he gave her the truth she was asking for.

I felt good that he was allegedly being honest and bad because she was obviously lying about her contentment but what could do, we were all aware and making informed decisions...allegedly.  This example, however, was me getting a first hand glimpse at the “Functional depression“ I would come to experience with him and it was his desire for any woman who loved him to feel that, especially in his absence…as to him it was proof of love.