FrampCamp GoodMan blocked me and I was blocked for two weeks. But per “you got me fucked up fashion” I was hitting him from the text now. In one of the conversations he pulled one of the biggest manipulation tatics ever. 

     He said the only reason why he wanted me to relax was a because he saw how hard I worked and how I wasnt taking care of myself and my body. He told me that I reminded him of his Grandma Jo, and how she never rests and that even when her body was resting her mind wasnt. He said that she too didnt listen to his reminders of her needing to take care of herself and it hurt and I reminded him of that pain…like damn, first my grandma doesnt trust that I know what is good for her and now you are showing me that you dont either. 

     My jaw dropped. I had spent days arguing my point, when the root here was that he  simply loved me and wanted me to relax. That's what I believed then. Looking back, I realize the massage was never the issue. 

Every disagreement eventually became a referendum on whether I trusted him enough to surrender more of myself. If I explained myself, I was resistant. If I questioned him, I lacked guidance. If I stood on my own judgment, I was MASCULINE and not allowing him to lead. The topic changed, but the destination rarely did.

    But in the moment, I took the bait…because in hindsight, he never communicated that and instead of telling me that he just wanted me to relax, he made me out to be paranoid for wanting to be able to see and affirmatively stated that massage parlors dont get robbed. That was the truth BUT...

     My love for him allowed me to trick myself into thinking I was wrong and that I too had hurt the damaged little boy inside him that I vowed to love. I felt terrible and i let him have the floor. 

     We talked and he told me stories of how he was balanced and that because I was an only child of an only child thats what I missing. Frampcamp Goodman got to learn from his Grandma Debra who fell in love with pain and his Auntie Earnestine who fell in love with reconciliation. He told me the rationale behind fighting with their “brothers” to solve issues and that how after the fade took place the absnece of rage allowed them to hear on another and how they would finish it off with Taco Bell. He kept bringing up the fact that he swallowed his ego for me.

 ( For a refresher on how he "swallowed his ego for me" see chapter MartinLuther & His Dreams)

     But I heard him out and though he had me blocked, he stayed on the phone with me for hours because since I no longer angry and I listened to him. 

He talked about his trauma, how he had almost committed suicide four days prior to us talking based on the thoughts in his head.

How he was only able to be patient with me because he knew I didnt have any guidance because I was from the Jahlia 

How once I get more rooted in islam I wont be so gaurded against the world. 

How once I stop being resistant to him and let him love me and guided me properly, only then will I know what true love feels like. 

He explained that my past put doubt in his head and made him have negative dreams about him and that he needed to see something that proved to him that I didnt treat him like the other men I had dealt with and how every time I showed him resistence thats the thoughts he would battle. 

That he was grateful for me because even though I wasnt what he needed me to be, he was still able to see that I loved him. 

He talked about how painful it was for him to sit and hear all of the things I had stayed around for with "men who didnt love me a fraction of how much he did" yet when it was requested upon me to get his name tattooed on me I showed resistance to how big he wanted it to be and he found that disrespectful because I had been through worse.

He said it was terrible what I had been through with my mother but he could Identify with her reasoning because if anyone should be able to hurt it should me someone who cares about me the most.

He talked about how he really wanted us to work, so much so that he was risking his "20 year relationship to see where this goes" but it was clear that I wasnt as willing as he was because "he hopped in the jeep without question", and I was negotiating about a tattoo.

How he put the idea of marrying someone "he knew for 7 years" simply because I asked him too because he cared about my feelings.

 He told me that more than us being in relationship, he prayed that my mother returned and apologized because that was the healing that I needed. 

That he wanted that more than anything and that he probably wanted it more than me because he came from that therefore he knew how it felt.

 He told me that the definition of a true leader was on who loved others more than they loved themselves and that he loved me more than me because if he knew me when I was younger he would have never allowed me to go through what I had been through.

He tone was low and his tone was melodic. He sounded like a pastor.

 (He had once told me Noel Jones, was like an uncle to him, he had taught him well) 

He was ever so gently plucking my heart strings. He spoke to every ill that was causing me pain, weaponized it to salt the wounds and asserted himself as a healing remedy that was no longer available due to my “resistance” and I silently cried the whole time.

 I was puddy in his hands but in order to me molded, I first needed to get a tattoo.